so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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