allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize