this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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