If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
