I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
