if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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