Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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