Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
