Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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