Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
