Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize