Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
