So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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