I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He did a backflip because drugs
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