Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
