Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
