What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
