I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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