I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I understand Curling. That high.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
