My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
