I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
