I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
