Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
