i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
