apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
