Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
