I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
