So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
