My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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