I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
