You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
