He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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