2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
