he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
