you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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