A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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