At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
