Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
