god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need a beard to bite.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
