he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
