True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
