I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
