Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
