I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
