"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
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