Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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