I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
