Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
