I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
