Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
do nipples grow back?
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