I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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