yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
