they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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