If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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