i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i think i have herpe
just one?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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