Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
