Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
