I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
