I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
