when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
